Harry Warden is back (or is he?), pick-axe firmly in hand, to do away with another batch of annoying Text Generation wash-ups. And, seriously, who doesn't want to watch that?
The premise: Fresh from a coma caused by a shaft explosion, Harry picks up his favorite tool (not that one) and does away with 22 people before being shot. Ten years later, the kid that caused all the ruckus comes home to Harmony to sell the very mine his recently-deceased father owned--and possibly rekindle a relationship with his ex, now married to his former best-friend. The murders start anew...and our hero finds himself the number one suspect.
(I suppose I could have been more concise: The premise: Blah blah blather blather blah blah.)
Staying remarkably faithful to its 1981 source material, MBV 3D remake knows exactly what it wants: Increasingly inventive and gory kills; the longest sustained nude scene in a horror movie I've ever seen (played for tongue-in-cheek laughs); claustrophobic mine-shaft sequences; Tom Atkins, sent by the genre Gods; and Kevin Tighe, who meets his maker in an incredibly brutal fashion. We get it all, with a quick pace, and without a hint of irony or social commentary. No frills here; just good, old-fashioned 80's retro slasher.
On the acting front, Jensen Ackles, his voice a dead-on impression of a Hemi V8, as the young and inexperienced miner that sets the whole Bloody doughball rolling, can't be accused of trying to knock Pacino and DeNiro from their rightful thrones; neither will Jamie King, as the love-torn heroine, approach anything even remotely Streepian in the near future. And Kerr Smith proves once again that he is more than up to the challenge of roles like Final Destination (which isn't much of a compliment, folks). But, Atkins and Tighe do enough scene-stealing to compensate for the tepid lead performances. And, really, when has anyone ever expected Oscar-caliber performances from a movie like this? The dialogue is mostly laughable, as it should be, filled with astonishingly ominous portents like "Harry Warden's back" and even a nice homage to one of our greatest slasher icons, as a character calls out: "Jason...is that you?"
RealD 3D still can't manage to eliminate the blurs and streaking when the camera's in motion; much of the flick gave me a goddamned headache. But when the camera stands still, the depth of vision is among the best I've seen--particularly during the mine-shaft sequences, where the dirt and coal seem to tunnel far in to the screen. The gimmick is used with all the gusto it can muster, as eyeballs and busted jaws fly at the screen.
For 101 minutes of pure entertainment escapism, MBV 3D is all a great big red candy-box full of fun. And, if that isn't enough, Lionsgate has just re-released the original MBV on DVD, with legendary excised scenes edited back in to the movie. Pick it up if you want to be blown away by what the MPAA, arguably our nation's most notorious censorship group, thought you shouldn't see during the movie's original 1981 release. It's worth it just for the shower-head sequence, which is admittedly far more gruesome than I ever thought it could be.
Now I only have a month to wait for the redux of Friday the 13th. My red pen is ready.
Enjoy!
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